requiem

requiem

existensialism knocks and we realize that we are but humans, and everything will ultimately end in death. it's just a matter of who would go first and who would live to see the last, of hope and losing it.

i have always wanted to go like Morrie. no big scenes, no struggles, no painful defibrillators, no grasping for air, that kind of stuff. i wanted to expire as peacefully as possible. my body turns into a smoke version of me and finally be blown by the wind. perfect.

but, alas, we have to face our own mortality. indeed not every death is peaceful as it is painful. and while age definitely comes with death, death does not necessarily come with age. the moment we live, we are eligible to die. it is a sick package.

which is why nothing breaks my heart more than seeing all these sick children in ward 9 knowing that most of the cases have poor prognoses and even poorer funds for medical care. because of their situation they are forced to fastforward to maturity and when you try and listen to what they have to say, they may talk even more sense than most of our politicians. but sooner or later these kids have to go. and not a single one of them, deserve to be there.

what even hurts me more is that, we can only do so much for these kids. i wanted to save them and take them out of their misery, a bit messiahnic i might say, but there's a limit to what you can do. after resources have been exhausted, there's nothing to do but wait. i never felt powerless in my life. and sometimes, after the wait, you find out you couldn't have done anything more and they finally succumb to death. finally, the misery is over. it's sad. but you know, once in a while we have to have a brush with death to be reminded of life and to be thankful for it.