requiem

requiem

existensialism knocks and we realize that we are but humans, and everything will ultimately end in death. it's just a matter of who would go first and who would live to see the last, of hope and losing it.

i have always wanted to go like Morrie. no big scenes, no struggles, no painful defibrillators, no grasping for air, that kind of stuff. i wanted to expire as peacefully as possible. my body turns into a smoke version of me and finally be blown by the wind. perfect.

but, alas, we have to face our own mortality. indeed not every death is peaceful as it is painful. and while age definitely comes with death, death does not necessarily come with age. the moment we live, we are eligible to die. it is a sick package.

which is why nothing breaks my heart more than seeing all these sick children in ward 9 knowing that most of the cases have poor prognoses and even poorer funds for medical care. because of their situation they are forced to fastforward to maturity and when you try and listen to what they have to say, they may talk even more sense than most of our politicians. but sooner or later these kids have to go. and not a single one of them, deserve to be there.

what even hurts me more is that, we can only do so much for these kids. i wanted to save them and take them out of their misery, a bit messiahnic i might say, but there's a limit to what you can do. after resources have been exhausted, there's nothing to do but wait. i never felt powerless in my life. and sometimes, after the wait, you find out you couldn't have done anything more and they finally succumb to death. finally, the misery is over. it's sad. but you know, once in a while we have to have a brush with death to be reminded of life and to be thankful for it.

Phateros

Phateros

nanggaling nanaman kami ng Pateros nung Sabado. buti na lang mabait si Lord di umulan. pero di rin ako nakapag-sunblock, dang! at dahil magaling kami ng aking partner na si blove, na-assign kami sa Siberia. you don't ever want to be assigned to Siberia, sa mabaho at maputik na Siberia ng Sitio Pagkakaisa A. had we known, na yun na pala yung Siberia, we would never have agreed to be assigned there. kaya nga lang, magaling kami, we took it as a challenge. right... haha.

half way through the survey mangiyak-ngiyak na kami. yung mga kasama namin, patapos na, kami wala pa sa kalahati tapos ang dami pa naming nakalimutang itanong. we just wanted to get out of the place. kaya pumunta kami dun sa suki naming tindahan, to take the break we deserved. after sinukmani, sprite, skyflakes, mr.chips, boy bawang and tootoos nga ba yun? (puro junkfoods), we were so back in the game.

actually, i'm getting the hang of this community diagnosis thing. adventure and bonding to the max ito. sana lang, pumasa kami sa panlasa ni dones. i heard siya raw yung mag-ggrade sa min. oh no! actually, di pa kailangan mag-panic ngayon. ready... get set... panic!

mas marami kaming bloopers ngayon. meron kaming household na sinurvey for hypertension. and there was this family member na 110/30 ang BP, not a very promising reading for aa 20-something adult male, medyo abnormal nga e. halos lagyan na namin ng taning ang buhay niya. medyo tinakot nga yata namin siya. but fear is good, most of the time, fear warrants compliance. siguro naman magpapacheck-up na siya. hopefully. sabay gatong pa ng biyenenniya sa anak niya "hala... wala ka ng tatay...". haha. pinigil ko ang tawa ko nung sinabi niya yun. ngayon, naniniwala na ko sa antagonistic mothers-in-law

marami ring mga bouts of laughter which were most of the time unaccounted for, habang siryoso kaming nagiinterview ng mga tao sa kanilang mga bahay-bahay. ewan ko nga e. baka nawi-wirdohan na sila samin. bahala sila.

tapos yung weighing scale na dala-dala namin. it was the funniest thing. haha. you have to see it to believe it. but it was functional nevertheless. :D eto lang masasabi ko, susmaryosep!

babalik nanaman kami sa thursday. yay! Siberia again... sweet...

some things

some things

only happen to me. just after fervently hoping it wouldn't. parang nananadya.

and i thought lady luck and i were friends. but apparently, she is one tough prankster. pag siya ang nang-trip, iba. expect the unexpected. and you'd definitely believe that nothing is impossible.

there i was minding my own business when some senior girl (thanks to her!) approached me and told me the red flag was on...big time! and scenes from my life flashed before my eyes... oh no! i'm dead. really... ok, no. but i was good as dead. i wished i was dead. i honestly, hoped i would just vanish right at that moment. the thing was, i was in uniform. and i reckon, hours earlier i was actually telling a classmate that that was the worst thing that could ever happen when you're in that godforsaken uniform. or, when you're wearing anything for that matter.

so anyway, i tried to wash it off, but to no avail. it was darn difficult in that dress. so i opted for cover. i was trying to be as discrete as i could but somehow the janitor noticed and told me i should get a jacket and tie it around my waist. like i didn't know that! the problem was, no one seemed to have a jacket anywhere. and every person i asked automatically knew what was going on. practically, the whole college knows. you could just imagine how many people have known.

every person i asked, plus every person within 1 meter radius the time i asked, plus every person on the girl's bathroom and everyone within 5 meter radius from me automatically knew. even the guard approached me and offered that i use the boy's bathroom, when all i wanted to do was to put on my apron. duh i don't need the boy's bathroom to do that!

i literally, wanted the earth to swallow me back whole.

anyway, after everything that happened, i couldn't muster the strength to get on with my life and my migraine was threatening me again. so i skipped class and went home. and that was the best thing that happened to me. for the day, at least.

so here's the continuation

so here's the continuation

i wrote this exactly a week ago. and i have completed the required number of major and minor operation assists. things did not go as planned but i finished everythign nonetheless.

by now, i have assisted 5 major operations and 2 minor procedures meaning i am 3 minor operations away from completing the PRC requirement of undergrad operations assisted for my license (every student nurse has to have at least 5 major and 5 minor assists aside from the other requirements to be eligible for a license). but the college, as merciless as it is, requires students to have a minimum of 10 major and 10 minor assists (a total of 20) to be able to complete the undergraduate program. the good thing is, however, we can complete it anytime during the entire course. with the PGH being our base hospital, completion is guaranteed. mahina na ang 20 assists. normally, naeexceed pa yung required.

anyway, if things go as planned, i'll be able to finish everything by thursday.:)

i'll try to recall in as much detail as possible every case i was able to observe.

first case

OB-OR delivery room

c-section

diagnosis: multiple congenital abnormalities

i was among the people who arrived earlier so i was assigned to the OB-OR which usually had really early cases. at that moment i wanted to curse myself for being too early. too early for my own good. the thing was they give you room assignments and just let you be. leave you there without so much specific instructions as to what exactly you were going to do upon arrival at the operating room. without the comforting (and at times annoying) presence of a clinical instructor constantly, religiously whispering instructions and reminders at the back of your neck, you feel kind of lost. me? i was sh*t scared! i didn't know what to expect from a caesarian section. and no matter how many times i tried to brace myself, no amount of bracing could calm the nerves. my heart was pounding, my head was throbbing along with it in a constant ominous duet. i wanted so badly to back out. yun bang parang gusto mo na lang mamundok at magtanim na lang ng kamote!

so i entered the operating room, did the obligatory pleasantries to the nurses on duty and followed an order to scrub. scrubbing is the act of preparing yourself for contact to an all-sterile field. it involves vigourous hand scrubbing with a brush (that could literally scrub your skin red) and 7.5% betadine solution, gowning (putting on the OR gown) and donning gloves. it's more complicated than you think. you have to be extra cautious and mighty vigilant about sterility. a slight doubt, hint or contact to an unsterile surface and you'll be stoned to death! really... ok no, but you'd either be yelled at by the doctor and or scrub nurse or be stoned to death. or in worst cases both. but in any of the situations you'd have to live with the stigma that comes along the phrase "scrub-out". and i tell you, the stigma is too real, the experience traumatizing that many a nursing student have lost hope in life because of it. just a reminder, whatever you do when in scrub, eat, drink and breathe sterility! for your own sake...

after scrubbing, (my first time ever to scrub) the patient was already on the table apparently anesthesia-loaded. the scrub nurse, the one i was supposed to assist, was busy preparing all the instruments, so for the first few minutes i was on one corner trying to make myself scarce. praying that it should all end. the next thing i know, i was called to come near the OR table and they were already cutting the patient's abdomen. things happened real fast. one moment they were on the skin, and then they were dissecting layers of fat the next. another moment still, and they were already taking the baby out of the mother's belly. remember that scene from the alien movie (i just can't remember the title, i'm not good with movies)? it was a lot lot lot like it. apparently, the baby they took out had an incredibly huge head and a bunch of other congenital anomalies. remember fabella? it was fabella on a whole new different level, bloodier but still the same characteristic stench of amniotic fluid, one that sticks to your clothes long after the procedure is done.

eww... now i can remember its smell as i type this.

so after they have taken off the baby, they took out the even alien-er looking placenta. (i am seriously nauseous now). a mass of dark red, slimy, jelly-like flesh. it was all weird seeing it come out of the abdomen. then afterwards, came the long and boring process of suturing the abdomen. the whole time i was actually imagining what could happen if the patient suddenly awakens and sees this huge opening on her belly. or perhaps the sight of the opening wouldn't bother her but the thick layer of FAT would.

when the procedure was finished, my head was throbbing inredibly that i had no other intention but to get out of the operating room. and i did. since i was at the hospital already, i went and sought medical opinion regarding the headache i was having continuously for 3 days for fear that it could be a tumor or something. no definite diagnosis was made. but i was advised to take medications.the headache resolved. meaning i am tumor-free. after my first operation assist, one thing was sure, i do not ever want to go under the knife. thank God.