speech disaster

speech disaster

everybody practically knows how much i despise public speaking. and boy was i too lucky to draw #1 on our class lottery (that meant i went first) even after fervently wishing and praying to get any number other than 1. i know... my luck (or the apparent lack of it) is insanely unbelievable. it's almost like being trapped in a Salvador Dali. so absurd. so entirely surreal.

i have always hated being first. second maybe, but definitely not first. there's definitely something about this whole "going first" fiasco that did not quite align with my cosmos.

maybe i hate being the decoy or maybe i hate being the one who get fed first to the sharks. basta, i hate being #1. it's just too much responsibility.

rumors are (and i am living proof that the alleged rumors are true) my speech comm professor is not exactly thrilled by those who deliver their speeches first that more often they get lower marks. lower than the mean score. and because i was first, i did get an emabarassingly low grade. well, apart from being first, i also kind of sucked. he should have cut me some slack though, being first was real tough especially if you have congenital stage fright working against you.

but here's the thing, after all the speeches were over, the man just had to, by some weird twist of events, announce our scores. i mean, come on! i really didn't mind having the lowest grade in the bunch, but you do not have to f*ckin rub it in my face! maaahn... that was so embarassing. especially when everyone else did fairly well in the exercise amd you kind of didn't.

but wait, the torture did not end there, much to my demise. gaahd, this was the worst part. before finally revealing the score, he just had to broadcast his criticisms (constructive or otherwise, good or bad) about your speech. didn't pose much of a problem if you had done satisfactorily and he has actually something good to say about your speech but if you went first and you kind of screwed up the whole performance, it was hell. duhr!!! no matter how polite you say it, it will somehow come out as "you weren't so bad except for this one tiny bit of detail... you made such a mess!". thanks a lot for rubbing it in, harder. now my confidence and self-esteem level is down to -100, great! just great...now how in the world would i be able to get through on more speech?? how!?

but i can't do anything about it now, can i? so i tried to feign disinterest and drown his voice into oblivion, as if i never heard him, although what i really wanted to do was to crawl into a hole or vanish into thin air, whichever event happened first.

i'm not against criticism. if anything, i welcome it.i'm saying this not only for bad reviews but also for good reviews as well. it has to be done in the proper time, place and context. and there's a very thin line separating critique and shaming.

and sir, one last message:

what in the name of heavens were you thinking?!